Since He's Been Gone.

Facebook delivered the news to me that my son was dead. Wow!

I tried to reconcile the whirlwind of thoughts erratically darting through my mind, at the same time, grappling with the onslaught of emotions. My tears seemed to dry up immediately when I heard the words "He's with me," spoken from a very familiar voice. Those words ushered in a peace that surpassed my understanding (Philippians 4:7). When I initially tried to explain what that moment was like to others, that's when I realized exactly what it was that I had just encountered--It was the peace that passes all understanding.

That was the peace that just seemed to drop on me as soon as I realized Curtis was in the arms of Jesus, I closed my eyes and declared, "I forgive EVERYone involved."

In the midst of that surreal moment of peace, I innately knew the spiritual and psychological seed of unforgiveness was waiting to take root in my heart, but that was not a prison I was willing to step back into. I was not willing to compromise the great strides of progress I had already made in the area of forgiveness, so I took advantage of the peace and the grace that presented themselves in that moment and took care of the forgiveness piece right away. Another wave of peace followed that action.

I wanted to move in power as quickly as possible, and forgiveness was my power move. As powerful as that moment of forgiveness was, it dawned on me later in the journey, that I needed to also forgive myself for a lot of things--I'll touch on that later.

Six weeks after laying my son to rest, my oldest brother, Chico, took his last breath. In the midst of the most volatile storm of my life (with my son and brother dying within two months of each other) God had begun to talk to me along the lines of gratitude.

GRATITUDE?!! I said, "Seriously, God?" Do we need to continue this lesson right now?"

Now, I'm the one who has been known to have an uncanny ability to find the bright side in any and every situation, but I was experiencing a blockage. I stumbled as I tried to identify the short-term good, but I began to draw faith and courage from something I read.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

I bargained with God, using His own words as bargaining chips.

"Either your word is true, or you are a big fat liar!" That was the impassioned one-way conversation I remember having with God one day when I was desperately hoping for relief from grief.

Throughout my journey, God has never responded to my pain in a way that causes me more pain. He continues to soothe me with His words, which is fine with me because I am listening.

...the journey continues